Breaking Dawn

I'm drinking a warm cup of tea as I listen to worship music on Pandora. Kari Jobe's "I am not Alone" came on and all I could do was sit in quiet reflection. With everything going on around me, I should feel overwhelmed. I'm sitting in the eye of the storm but I am in perfect peace because I know that I am not alone. He is with me, guiding me and calming the raging sea. The phrase "it's always darkest before dawn" is so true, because it feels so heavy right before God bursts through. His light breaks forth and radiates everything around it. He showers us with His love and even though we may not know or understand why he calls us to endure such things, there is always a purpose to it. I feel something rising up inside me- an anticipation of something to come that I'm not quite sure of. That He is going to call me to something more difficult than I've ever endured.  I have to trust that He is there before me and behind me and beside me as I walk through what is going to be the most difficult period of my life.

I haven't blogged in almost three years. My life has been nothing short of chaos, growth and change. Great things have been happening in our family and blogging has essentially taken a back burner. I just re-read my last post. What's fascinating to me is the content. I wrote of the potters clay, a marred jar being transformed by God's amazing hands. I had no clue what was in store for me in the next few years. Shortly after that post, our precious Maddox was born. I don't broadcast his medical needs- Not many people are aware of the mountains we've had to overcome in his short life. In praying for him over the last few days, I kept asking God to give me a verse for him. God's timing is so perfect in that He brings me full circle to where He started. A verse that He used to heal my brokenness, He's using to remind me of His faithfulness in Maddox's life.
Jeremiah 18:4 "But the pot he was shaping was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him".
What may look like a disability in the world's eyes- that Maddox may never "contribute" to society in a "meaningful" way- God sees as a treasure. A beautiful pot that He gently reconstructed because of His love and tenderness. I may not know what God has in store for him, but He is aware of the plans for Maddox's life. Isaiah 55:8-9, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts". That is my where my hope rests.

Words to live by...

There are so many things that have inspired me, spoke to me and have shaped me. Jeremiah 18:4 has been the verse though that has truly revealed God's love for me. It is the reason for my blog title, and when I feel critical of myself for who I'm not, I'm reminded by this verse that God has a specific intention for me.

Most people who know me, know that my passion has always been foreign missions. Since I was sixteen, all I wanted to do was to run an orphanage overseas for abused and abandoned children. Life choices have not taken me down that path, and I often blame the struggles that I go through on the fact that I felt out of God's will. Until I read this, I believed that I would have to stand before God with a lame excuse as to why I never went on the mission field full time. I believed He was sorely disappointed in me and never wanted to use me again- because if I failed in this calling he asked of me, why wouldn't I fail in anything else he asked me to do? I felt that all my good intentions and my passion for the field didn't matter because I didn't obey. I believed that sin I had committed would prevent me from ever being used by Him again and that because I sinned knowing better, that my relationship with Him would always be fragmented and weak.  And then the most amazing thing happened. I read this passage (vs 3) "So I went down to the potter's house and saw him working at the wheel. (4) But the pot he was shaping was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him".

It completely broke me.

I don't know how long I cried for, but when I was finally able to pull myself together, I felt like such a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. A heaviness that had oppressed me for years was gone. To know that the clay was marred- even in His hands- spoke to me that circumstances happen to us, even while we are in God's hands. That God saw the flaws and used us anyway. That He used the flaws to accomplish His purpose. He could have destroyed the clay and tossed it aside- but He didn't. He patiently, and gently worked with it- He took great pains to shape the pot into what He wanted it to be. What I think is amazing is that the pot will always have that hidden flaw. A tender spot. To an outside observer, the flaw may never be seen, but the Potter will always know where the clay came from and to where He wants it to go...

The girlfriends guide to everything...

When I was asked to pick the topic this week, I knew instantly that I wanted to write about my friends. I have had so many amazing people in and out of my life, that it's hard to write about one specific group of people. There are the people that I have known since kindergarten, who have witnessed me going through several years of intense teasing- and let's be real- it was devastating. I'm well over it now, but I believe it shaped me to be more compassionate. Then there are the friends that I made when I gave my life to Christ and switched churches. These are the people who have been with me through the darkest times of my life as I endured my parents divorce, battled depression and suicide, and watched my life change dramatically. They were with me as a flighty teenager (However, I prefer to think of myself as simply sanguine) and heard me boldly proclaim the call that I felt on my life. I have never waivered in my passion for missions and I still believe that one day God will open more doors of opportunity for the field. These friends have known me since I was a size four, and still love me even though I'm not anymore. They have cried with me, laughed with me and linked arms with me. I'm still very close with some of them, and the others I have fond memories of.  The group of friends that I have now however, have been the most pivotal in shaping my identity in Christ. They have spoken openly to me about where I am at with Christ, and don't sugar coat the truth that I often need to hear. They have also helped me cope with my past and grow from it. They have been with me through the death of my mother in law, and the precarious birth of my youngest son. This group of women know of my past, but don't bind me to it. They push me when I need to be pushed, and hold me when I need to be held. What I've learned from my friends is that some will observe what you're going through and be merely spectators. Others with participate with you and be your team mate, while the third group will be your cheer leaders and your biggest fan. All three are vital and all three have been established by God for their specific role in your life.

My first blog...

After much encouraging by friends, I have now joined the world of bloggers. I may not be very witty- some have even called me goofy or weird, but I can tell you that my blogs will be real and a transparent story of who I am and where God has brought me. I feel like the story of the potter in Jeremiah 18 is a perfect example of the life I've lived-

So here's to everyone who has felt like they were unable to be used by God and fail to see the very value they have in the eyes of our Savior.